new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
