If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
