How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
