i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
