We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
