She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
