i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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