she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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