you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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