I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
