I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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