is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
