Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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