can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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