i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
