I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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