he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
