So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
