I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
