I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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