Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
