i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
