Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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