Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
