I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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