The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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