Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
