Kiss
Puke
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
