why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
