I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
