i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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