Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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