I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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