Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
