Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
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There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
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Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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