This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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