Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
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It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
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I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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