So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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