You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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