her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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