Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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