I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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