my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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