his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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