My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
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I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
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Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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