He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
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