I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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