A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Randomize
