I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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