woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
