What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
