sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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