Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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