Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
