I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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