her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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