im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
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I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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