Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
