i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I fill condoms, not promises.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
