she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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