Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
