This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
